Is my relationship toxic? 12 texting signs to check in your chat
Updated October 2026 · 6 min read
"Toxic" gets used for everything from a dry reply to a real pattern of control. A more useful way to think about it: a toxic dynamic is one where unhealthy moves keep repeating, and the chat leaves at least one person feeling smaller, guiltier or more anxious over time. It can happen with a partner, a situationship, a best friend, a parent or an ex. And it is very often a two-person pattern, not one villain.
12 texting signs of a toxic dynamic
1. Contempt and put-downs
Mocking your words back, "wow. ok.", name-calling, or "you're so dramatic" every time you share a feeling.
Check yourself too: eye-roll replies are easy to send when you're hurt.
2. Guilt trips instead of asks
"I guess I'm just not important to you" in place of "Can we hang out Sunday?"
Guilt gets compliance, not closeness. Very common in family chats.
3. The silent treatment
Days of nothing after a disagreement, with no "I need space, can we talk later?"
Taking time to cool off is healthy. Silence used as punishment is not.
4. Jealousy and checking up
"Who are you with?", "Why were you online?", demands for proof or location.
Occasional worry is human. Required check-ins are control.
5. Rewriting what happened
"I never said that" when the message is right there.
The chat is a record. Repeated denial of written words wears down your trust in yourself.
6. Hot and cold
Sweet and attentive one week, distant and vague the next, with no explanation.
The cycle keeps people chasing the good version. Look at the pattern, not the peaks.
7. Every apology comes with a "but"
"Sorry, but you made me..." or "Sorry you feel that way."
Repair matters more than never fighting. Blame-shifting blocks repair.
8. Passive aggression
"k.", "fine, do whatever you want", "no worries 🙂" when there clearly are worries.
Once is a mood. A habit means real feelings never get said out loud.
9. Boundaries that don't stick
You say no, and the request comes back again and again.
A no that has to be repeated five times isn't being respected.
10. Scorekeeping
Old fights and past mistakes pulled into every new argument.
Bringing up an unresolved issue is fair. Using the past as ammunition is not.
11. One person always starts, apologizes or fixes
The chat only keeps going because one of you does all the work.
Uneven effort isn't toxic on its own, but it often feeds resentment on both sides.
12. Threats, of any kind
"You'll regret this", threats to share private photos, or threats of self-harm to stop someone leaving.
These aren't a "toxic score" question. They're a safety issue. See the support lines below.
Are we toxic? Find out from your actual chat.
Upload a WhatsApp or Instagram chat, or screenshots, and get your relationship's toxicity score from 0 to 100%, the red flags behind it with the exact messages, and a score for each of you. It doesn't take sides.
Get our toxicity score →What doesn't make a chat toxic
Disagreeing
Conflict is normal in every close relationship. What matters is respect during the fight and repair after it.
Slow or short replies
Work, school, a phone on silent, or simply a different texting style. See 12 signs someone may be losing interest for when it does mean something.
One bad night
Everyone sends a message they regret. A toxic dynamic is about what keeps happening, not one low point.
How a toxicity score works
AreWeToxic reads your chat against the patterns above (contempt, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, jealousy or control, gaslighting, hot-and-cold, defensiveness and blame, passive aggression, ignored boundaries) and weighs how often and how badly they show up. The dynamic lands on a 0-100 scale with fixed bands:
- 0-20 Healthy 💚 Warm, respectful, disagreements get repaired.
- 21-40 A little spicy 🌶️ Some friction or snark, but nothing that keeps repeating.
- 41-60 Kinda toxic 😬 A few unhealthy patterns show up regularly.
- 61-80 Toxic 🚩 Unhealthy patterns shape how the chat goes.
- 81-100 Very toxic ☢️ Frequent, intense patterns that wear people down.
Each person also gets their own score and main pattern, so you see both sides. If the chat shows threats or abuse, there is no score at all: the report switches to a safety mode with support resources first.
What to do with what you find
- Treat the score as a conversation starter. It's a read of text messages, not a verdict on a person, and texts miss calls and time together.
- Start with your own part. "I've noticed I go quiet when I'm upset" opens more doors than a list of their flags.
- Name one pattern and one need. "When I get 'k.' after I share something, I feel shut out. Can you tell me what's actually up?"
- Watch what happens next. Healthy dynamics adjust when someone raises a problem. Toxic ones tend to get louder.
- If you feel unsafe, prioritize safety. Save the messages, tell someone you trust, and contact a support line. In the US: 988 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233. In the UK: Refuge, 0808 2000 247. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com.